So it's been a few weeks since my last post. I've had a few ups and downs. Actually no ups, but a few downs and a whole lotta average. So much average it's almost mind-numbing. Right now I'm in a bit of a zen place - after an awful, terrifying weekend where all my fears reached up to suffocate and blind me, I have come to a place where I feel ok. Maybe this separation is the first step to a happier life. I hope so. But as I write this I'm also aware that denial is the first stage of grief, so I could very well just have my head up my ass.
I have never been a naturally brave person. Risks are just something I avoid as much as possible, so it's quite out of character for me to do what I have done this year, which is jump feet-first into the surreal, hard-core world of flat-track roller derby. After a friend convinced me to check out a bout, I was hooked, I knew it was the sport for me. It's all-female, as unconventional as its possible to be, fast, furious, outrageously fun, and just a teeny bit dangerous. So with my world at home falling apart, it hit the spot. My fledgling roller derby career shouts to the world "I am a force! Hear me roar!!"
I am the first to admit that I spend a portion of each skating lesson on my ass. I'm not bouting yet, but I am a big believer in goals, and that's my short-term goal - to earn the White Star qualification that will see me in a competitive team. And most days when I lace up my skates, there is a voice in my head saying "What the hell do you think you're doing????" But then I remind myself, "I can do this. This is fun. And I can be awesome." And usually, by the end of each skating session, I can notice little improvements in balance, skills and confidence.
One of the things I love about derby girls is the implied assertion, "I'm not changing for anyone." This is something I've done in every major relationship in my life. I have always tried to mould myself into what I think the person wanted me to be. And each time, I've buried away a little part of my soul. But derby is about bringing all that inner awesomeness to the surface. Derby says, "We don't care what you look like. We don't care if you look like Barbie or Marilyn Manson. We dont care if you're tatooed or have skin as virgin as a baby's. Hell, we don't even care if you can skate. You bring a spirit that wants to give it a red hot go, and we'll help you roar." And it's precisely this acceptance, this "you go girl" attitude that I love about derby. I suck pretty badly at skating. I sucked a whole lot more 2 months ago when I took it up. But they don't care. I want to try, and they want to help me try. I have found that aspect of derby culture to be one which has held my soul together in recent weeks. And, for the first time in my life, I am one of the cool kids. So right now, my sucky life has a silver lining, and it's got wheels on its shoes.
