So it's been quite some time since my last blog post. Mainly because of one very confronting event, which effectively paralysed me, blog-wise. But it also reminded me of the phrase, "be careful what you wish for."
My last blog post saw me saved by the power of Roller Derby. I have to say my Derby journey is continuing with gusto. Putting those skates on makes me feel like I am flying, and fills my soul with joy. It's the one thing in my life guaranteed to put a smile on my face. Even the crashes and falls feel good because they're MY crashes and falls. I'm not doing them because I have to, and I'm not doing them for someone else. Everyone should have something in their life that makes them feel like throwing their arms wide, and raising their face to the sky. Roller Derby makes my heart sing.
So it wasn't too long after my last post, that my husband started a new job. Now, one thing he is not, is disorganised or sloppy. It was one of the friction points in our marriage - I take a more bohemian approach to life, housework, cooking, which irritated him immensely. After all, being a Free Spirit is what I crave most. And in his new job, disorganisation and sloppiness seemed to be the norm. Even I, spontaneous soul that I am, was appalled by some of the slack practices in this new organisation - like the lackadaisical attitude to payday for instance. And when he was finally paid, it didn't quite seem right - it seemed like a larger-than-necessary chunk of tax was being taken out of his pay.
So, me being me, if I have information that might help someone, I love to share it (sometimes this goes down a treat - and sometimes I just come across as a know-it-all). In an effort to discover this information, and help someone that I thought I could help, I jumped on the Australian Tax Office homepage and clicked my way through the maze that they call a website. I'm not sure whether he was amazed at the fact that I knew what the Tax Office was (high finance and the taxation system never having been one of my passions), or that I was willing to help him, or whether he was just horny, but after I discovered the rate of tax he should have been paying, he tenderly took my face in his hands, bent over, and kissed me softly on the lips. And with the gentleness and love I have been craving now for seven years, with sweetness in his voice and softness in his eyes, he told me that he wanted to work things out. He wanted to try and rebuild our marriage, and try to recreate the magic that we had for ten years.
It was then, when I had gotten what I had been craving, hoping, praying and wishing for for months, I realised I didn't want him.
The realisation didn't come immediately - it took me about a week. Because, that's how long it took for me to see that nothing had changed. Within hours after that crazy moment when I thought that balance had been restored to my world, everything went back to the sad, lonely way it had been before. The chasm between us returned, even wider than before in some ways. He went back to his old communication style (i.e. non-existent). He resumed his seemingly-permanent spot in front of his laptop, his online strategy game being the only thing that seems to bring him some contentment. He didn't help with the kids except when pestered to do so. He didn't talk to them. He didn't talk to me. In fact, he was quite annoyed when I tried to speak with him - because, inevitably, I would be interrupting some keyboard chat or skype conversation with the people he shares his game with. The walls went back up, he took his energy away from us and channelled it into that online world again, and proceeded as though he wished we weren't there.
Reconciliation over.
But it wasn't just his withdrawal into his virtual world that made me not want him. By telling me he wanted to work things out with me, he restored to me some sense of power in this whole crazy chain of events. And with power came strength. And with strength came clarity. And, sadly, that clarity made me realise that he had steamrolled and bulldozed my heart for too long, and any love I had for him had been beaten out of my heart, with his cruel words and cruel actions, until I felt almost nothing for him. How do you rebuild something with no walls, with no foundations? You don't. You chalk it up to experience, and move forward to see what the world holds for you elsewhere.
Don't get me wrong - the idea of sharing my life, or any part of my body, or even my thoughts, with a new man just fills me with dread. I have a friend in a similar boat to me, she has a casual sexual partner and in some ways I envy her ability to live for the moment, to enjoy her time with him, to not get hung up on the emotional side of things, or to dwell on "the relationship." I am not in a place where I can do that. I find I have no trust in almost anyone. I trust my mum, my precious nanna, and a few close girlfriends, but that's pretty much it. The secrets of my heart remain under guard, and will for the foreseeable future. The only two men I've ever loved have let me down, so right now the only person I'm willing to trust my heart to is myself.
But what awaits me, while brave, and new, and exciting, is also pretty frightening. What awaits me is singledom. Like Bridget Jones, but with 3 great kids in tow. I haven't been single since I was 20, and even then I wasn't particularly good at it. Maybe it's time for me to invest my energies in myself and my kids, and skip the whole relationship thing for a few years. I wouldn't want to introduce a new partner to my kids for a long time anyway, so for now, the only deep and meaningful relationship I can muster is with my new set of roller skate wheels. They may spin too fast, and feel out of control sometimes, but at least they're taking me somewhere I'd like to go.
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