I turned up to an appointment I had never, until a few short months ago, believed I would ever need to make. It was quite a confronting appointment, because as of today, I am part of the social security system. For someone who's always held a bit of a prejudice towards "dole bludgers" and single mothers who keep popping out babies in order to take advantage of Australia's generous social security laws, it's really painful to kick my pride in the teeth and join their number. But it's a situation in which I have little choice. The inevitable is coming, my husband is going to find somewhere else to live reasonably soon, and I will be left completely single, and completely alone in charge of the upbringing of my 3 beloved sons. My job hunting efforts are driving me to despair - quite literally - and so this safety net of social security is one which I must seek. I hate it. I hate being a single mum in receipt of welfare, but since my husband started his new job and has cut me off somewhat financially, it's a situation I sadly find myself in.
My feelings are quite mixed. On the one hand, I'm grateful to the Whitlam government who introduced the single parent's pension back in the 70's. I think of women - and indeed my own mum - who were in much more dire straits than me, women with abusive or alcoholic husbands, who, because of a Labor government, suddenly had the means to support themselves and their children, protecting them from men whose selfishness or addictions drove them to cause harm to the people they were meant to love. I think of the women widowed or abandoned, who for the first time were given a safety net, and not cast out on to the street, or on to the charity of friends or relatives. For those women, social security for single mothers has been a godsend, and as a Third-Wave Feminist, I am immensely grateful for the freedom from tyranny or poverty our government gave them.
But then there is the other end of the spectrum of single mothers, and this is the end that looms far larger in the consciousness of most Australians. This group probably isn't as predominant as it seems, but the vulgarity, selfishness and laziness of the girls and women who pop out another baby every few years, to keep or increase their single parents' payment just angers me. Women who have never held a job, whose only talent is creating babies who they often don't have the ability or desire to parent effectively. Women who spend money given to them for the welfare of their children on smokes 'n' grog, while the children wear torn clothes and eat nothing but frozen chips.
I'm sure this group of single parents is among the minority, but their calculation in working out exactly what they have to do to ensure the free money keeps on coming infuriates me. I've paid taxes for years, and it's these people who hope to never work who disgust me. And it has been this image that has held me back from contacting social security for so long. That, and the knowledge that once I'm financially secure, my husband and my safety net will be leaving.
As a newcomer to "the system," I find the whole thing quite daunting.I feel like I am drowning in an ocean I cannot see the edge of. And the social security system, the very ship sent to rescue me, doesn't inspire much confidence I'm afraid. While on some level it feels like it's dragging me out of a vast abyss, it's as though my rescuers have sent me a very long and inadequate rope, which I must hold on to as this ship drags me to whatever port it deems me worthy of. In other words, I am again completely out of control, and completely at the mercy of something which I cannot influence. Even walking into the office today was upsetting. I had made an appointment, but upon entering the social security office I was confronted with a long, long line of people. Do I take a seat? Or do I wait in line to let them know I'm here? I decided not to take chances and stood in line, fighting back tears as I did so as I sent my pride packing, and became a welfare recipient.
Thankfully a few minutes into my wait, a short, blonde lady with a kind smile called my name and led me to her desk. I was crying before she'd even had a chance to sit down. The whole situation was so overwhelming, the only thing I could do was cry. It's not productive, but since I was unable to do anything that could help my situation, it was the only option left to me at that point. I don't want to be a single mother. I don't want to be on welfare. I don't want to give my kids uncertainty. This is not the life I wanted for myself and my children. It is not the life I chose. For the first time in my life, my 160 IQ and dazzling personality are not enough to get me by, and I felt lost, hopeless, and completely at the mercy of others.
There were tissues and water offered, an appropriate level of understanding given - I have to say I am really glad my kind Centrelink lady didn't try to counsel me, as I already felt like a complete failure without being offered advice by a stranger, however well intended - and so the business of officially becoming a single mother began. Forms were filled out, questions asked and answered, phone numbers offered and I was sent on my way.
The whole process took half an hour, but now that it's done, the feeling of drowning has not abated. I am now part of the "system," a system that, despite the kindness of the individuals I've met, still feels uncaring and merciless. A system that will make me jump through hoops to ensure I'm not claiming anything I'm not entitled to, and which, at the end of the day, will not actually give me enough to keep my head above water.
Thankfully, I have had some clarity offered to me this week. The encouragement of Scarlett & Miss Pink has given me more hope and direction than I've had in years, a subject to be explored in a later blog post. But for now, I must be dragged through this ocean by the rope that's been offered to me, and hope like hell it doesn't break.
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